If Only You Knew...

"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save..."

DROWNING: I feel so bleh right now, I really had no motivation to do anything at all today. Trying to think of other things to take my mind off of it. Yet it finds some way to creep back into my train of thougt. Yeah, I know its all in my head. Ahhh these next couple of months are gonna be difficult. I feel like my head is full of thoughts passing by one by one like scrolling marquees. I think I'm drowning in all this stuff. Kicking back in a spa right now sounds real good.

THE STRUGGLE: I try really hard to be the best person that I can be but I often tend to dissapoint myself. I think that being your own worse critic, ultimately, has a positive and grounding effect on you but the negative overviews of how you lead life drill so hard into your ear sometimes that everything else begins to fade to grey. Maybe that's just the pessimist in me.

DONT GET IT: Why do people feel the need to beat something until it is dead? Sometimes I wonder if I should be more blunt w/people. Tell them straight up exactly how it is. It's like im screaming inside yet...ahh I dont know. Its juss I wish certain things would be left the way they are. The whole status quo thing, its so frustrating. There's no point it beating it if it's already dead right? Then again often times even if it is dead it still doesnt phase people that the horse is freakin dead already. Cmon peoples give it a rest there's nothing left of him anymore! He's gone, nada, no moe. Sheeesh there's nothing left to bury him w/now!

SEARCHING: As if I didnt have enough going on already, God throws another suprise at me. Wow, He sure is trying to teach me something here, now its trying to put together the pieces. I'm confused as to what direction I am suppose to go in. I'm confused as to what I do next. I'm confused as to wha I'm suppose to learn. I guess the mystery will slowly start to unravel. Kinda like soap opera, you dont understand why at that moment, yet later on all the pieces will come together. Juss like when Hope/Gina went searching for her past.

REFLECTION: I was kinda thinking earlier wha my life would be like right now if certain things hadnt happened. If I didnt get involved w/the church, If I didnt get the job in stanton. As you can tell I like to think on a lot of 'wha ifs...' I dont know why its juss always interesting to see the otherside of the coin. This probably isnt even making sense, its all jusss nonsense blah blah who knows. I do admit though I am happy with the way things turned out...well at least in regards to getting involved w/my faith.

LOOKING BACK: It's so funny I was going through my journal and I was reading this old convo this guy in hs gave me when I was totally jocking this girl. She didnt go to my skool and I wanted to ask her to prom but I was skurred, cuz I wasn't sure if she had a bf. Anyway, it was juss funny the stuff he was telling me. Maan I was so dumb back then haha Though aren't we all when were that age? Reading old online convos are fun, its like a whole flash back, where you're living in that exact moment.

THE SONG: My friend told me a while ago to dload casting crows, 'Who am I?' Really feelin the song right now. I keep listening to it over and over, for some reason it kinda makes me feel better. Weird I know. I am Yours...Whon shall I fear?

TO DO: I have 30 confirmation letters I still need to type up and print out. Mike burned me a copy of the footage he took in my class during Christmas. It turned out really good, I added some of the clips to the power point. I put together this power point juss outlinng the whole year. The things we've learned, and how to put it to real use now. Tomorrow will be the last class, forreal this time. Imma miss them...No matter wha they'll always have a special spot in my heart.

SUFFERING: The truth is that suffering can be a beautiful thing, if we trust. It was in my greatest moments of suffering…true suffering, that I learned how much God really loves me. God, in his LOVE, allows us to suffer from time to time, NOT because He dislikes us, but because He loves us THAT much…that He would allow us to participate in the truest form of love that there is – the cross of Christ…the willingness to suffer, even unto death. Thas the hard part is juss trusting that God has something else in store...maybe?

Weird weather today, rain then the sun comes up

"If you knew what I knew we'd be together instead..."im done, im out God bless!